Terrified.

Have I ever been terrified of sending an IM message before? I don't think so... There's a certain someone on my buddy list who I have a little crush on and I do get butterflies sometimes when I really want to say hello, but I really don't have an excuse for the contact, you know? That rush of "aack! What will he think?" when I press the send key? Sometimes by accident, because I've decided not to but it's habit?
That is not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about terrified. Genuinely scared. "What will I say?" That's a viable question to worry about, I guess. It is not the question I am asking. I already know how to start the situation. I'm going to start it with "Hey"
In fact, here's the first few lines.
Me :Hey
(10 seconds)
You: Hey.
(See the period there? I left it openended. You made it final. Nice, jerk.)
Me: So... How are you?
(I'm giving in. Like I gave in by messaging you first. I am a failure.)
You: Fine
(Jerk. Asshole.)
(20 seconds. I'm not accepting that shit from you, my ... friend)
You: -Begin to fill the silence. -
And that's as far as I've got because to be perfectly honest, I have no idea how this guy is. I know that his answer probably won't give me any explicit details, but other than that I have no guess.
And so I sit here, warring with myself. Mousing over the side of my screen so that by buddy list comes out. Wanting to see him on it. Definitely feeling better when I don't see him there. I did say he could make the first move, but we all know I'm probably not anywhere near strong enough for that.